Friday, February 4, 2011


Well, I have been contemplating what inspiring words I could write today...Not sure so am just going to free flow here.

You see, I have bipolar disorder. No biggie, right? Well, it is a biggie. I never have used it as a disability. It has been a disability at times causing me to react in terrifying ways in public settings. I scare myself sometimes.

I don't know that anyone really reads this blog. Not sure why I write it. You see, the depression component of this dis-ease has been dominating my life for quite a while now and even as I am writing this tears are lying in wait to spill the dam. I am finding myself in a space I never imagined myself in.

I checked my e-mail find the following rejection message regarding a job for which I applied:

"Thank you for your application. Over 60 candidates submitted their information, and at this time you have not been selected for an interview. We appreciate your time."

I angrily mused, do they REALLY? Does this woman who's never met me, never talked with me, never shared a cup of tea or coffee with me, and certainly hasn't laughed with me really care? I am well qualified for a myriad of postions. I receive the ubiquitous "No." or "You've not been selected for this position."

So, now with my anger comfortably sitting within me, I wonder, WHEN? WHEN does it get to be turn, my time to shine? To show someone who will hire me how great I truly am? See, that is what the Bipolar Beast does to me...makes me feel angry. Makes me cry. Makes me feel like it doesn't really matter. Knowing that millions of other people are helping me row the misery boat to a better future seems to not be working right now to set my soul's sail upright.

I've never been the "Oh, I just can't get up out of bed" type. I am just supremely disappointed that my career aspirations have been cut short for I don't know how long. Every day it gets harder and harder to not be angry and just simply get out of my own way and let God do its job. I wonder where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to be moving forward?

Anger has a companion...Envy. Anger is a wicked enough beast and her companion, Envy...well, she is venomous and insidious. I envy people who have what I stability, nice homes, new cars that are reliable and can take them whereever they desire whenever they want.

Tools for "recovery" or "maintenance?" Yes, I have tools. I do my best to utilize them. Self-talk is the best tool I have. I keep reminding myself that I earned a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and will likely earn a doctoral degree at some point. My experience counts for something, doesn't it? My references are fabulous. I have been called for many an interview in my day and I ask what I can do better in my interviews, my resumes, my linkedin page and I wonder that enough? What else do I need to do?

I want to divorce Anger and I know we will experience only a separation for their is a positive side to all character defects. Action. Action will move me through this painful growth experience. I just need to tell the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee to table the agenda until next month's meeting of the mind and soul.

Well, those are my words for this day.

Love and Light to you all, my peeps.