Depression

Well, I have been contemplating what inspiring words I could write today...Not sure so am just going to free flow here.

You see, I have bipolar disorder. No biggie, right? Well, it is a biggie. I never have used it as a disability. It has been a disability at times causing me to react in terrifying ways in public settings. I scare myself sometimes.

I don't know that anyone really reads this blog. Not sure why I write it. You see, the depression component of this dis-ease has been dominating my life for quite a while now and even as I am writing this tears are lying in wait to spill the dam. I am finding myself in a space I never imagined myself in.

I checked my e-mail today...to find the following rejection message regarding a job for which I applied:

"Thank you for your application. Over 60 candidates submitted their information, and at this time you have not been selected for an interview. We appreciate your time."

I angrily mused, do they REALLY? Does this woman who's never met me, never talked with me, never shared a cup of tea or coffee with me, and certainly hasn't laughed with me really care? I am well qualified for a myriad of postions. I receive the ubiquitous "No." or "You've not been selected for this position."

So, now with my anger comfortably sitting within me, I wonder, WHEN? WHEN does it get to be turn, my time to shine? To show someone who will hire me how great I truly am? See, that is what the Bipolar Beast does to me...makes me feel angry. Makes me cry. Makes me feel like it doesn't really matter. Knowing that millions of other people are helping me row the misery boat to a better future seems to not be working right now to set my soul's sail upright.

I've never been the "Oh, I just can't get up out of bed" type. I am just supremely disappointed that my career aspirations have been cut short for I don't know how long. Every day it gets harder and harder to not be angry and just simply get out of my own way and let God do its job. I wonder where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to be moving forward?

Anger has a companion...Envy. Anger is a wicked enough beast and her companion, Envy...well, she is venomous and insidious. I envy people who have what I want...financial stability, nice homes, new cars that are reliable and can take them whereever they desire whenever they want.

Tools for "recovery" or "maintenance?" Yes, I have tools. I do my best to utilize them. Self-talk is the best tool I have. I keep reminding myself that I earned a bachelor's degree, a master's degree, and will likely earn a doctoral degree at some point. My experience counts for something, doesn't it? My references are fabulous. I have been called for many an interview in my day and I ask what I can do better in my interviews, my resumes, my linkedin page and I wonder still...is that enough? What else do I need to do?

I want to divorce Anger and I know we will experience only a separation for their is a positive side to all character defects. Action. Action will move me through this painful growth experience. I just need to tell the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee to table the agenda until next month's meeting of the mind and soul.

Well, those are my words for this day.

Love and Light to you all, my peeps.

Hello, my peeps!

Sending you Light, Love, and Joy.

I love purchasing items at thrift stores and yard sales. Choosing items to bring home from the curbside of others also provides me satisfaction at the possibilities these items hold for renewal. I have rescued old dressers, used a heat gun to melt the layers upon layers of nasty paint concealing their original beauty, and then sanded them to their glorious wood. I love wood, the beauty, the feel, the smell. The satisfaction, however, comes from recycling such pieces and transforming them to use for my purposes and enjoyment.

Much the same way as rescuing items from curbsides, or purchasing used items from thrift stores, yard sales, or garage sales, we can rescue ourselves from our negative thought tapes. These tapes play relentlessly in our minds until we remember that we are the ones mentally torturing ourselves. It matters not what someone else told us that affected us negatively. We are Creator Gods and Goddesses and we possess the power to change our lives. I believe we all come into each other's lives at the appropriate times in our lives for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes.

Rescuing myself from these negative tapes and throwing them out the window of my soul to be transmuted into a positive energy form matters most to me now. I am the mother of myself and all that I seek to eliminate needs replacing with positive aspects.

While engaging in a meditation about a golden mirror this morning, I, for the first time in all my meditations, experienced the feeling of serenity washing over me. Such a smile opportunity I granted myself. I felt my body soften and a smile wash across my face. Sigh...serenity lies not externally to our souls - it lies within if we only consistently - daily - work a program of "recovery."

This program of recovery continually takes me on a magnificent journy of self-discovery. More and more light-filled I feel as lessons I have learned allow the miracle of abundance to unfold. I let go of preconceived notions of how transformation should occur. Letting go, moving the heck outta my ego, allows God and the Universe to create the transformation in a far greater manner. I need only diligently practice welcoming serenity in moments of darkness.

When encountering difficult situations I used to become extremely aggitated very quickly. Now, I inhale deeply, quiet my mind, and hum, put on headphones and crank the jams, or simply leave the venue of discord.

Smile and go in peace!

amesege'nallo'

Amesege'nallo'

"Thank you" in Ethiopian. I often inquire of diverse individuals how to say "thank you" in their native language. I learned amesege'nallo' from a farmers market and also from my drycleaners.

It's amazing how inquiring about another's native language causes them to smile. It demonstrates how much you value them as a human soul important to all. Ask someone of a different culture than yours how to say "Hello," "Thank you" and "Have a great day." Do it for that person so they feel your love.

The Universe affirms us when we step outside our own microcosm to invite diversity into our lives. In the process of writing this, I took a moment to open my mail. I was humbled and privileged to smile because I received a "Welcome to the team" and "Thank you" card from an organization. I was not expecting such a recognition that I wish to serve others. A physical reminder from God that I am valued as we all are.

How do we humans forget that God is always present no matter the condition or circumstances in which we find ourselves? It is easy to hug God and let God hold us in it's warm embrace. For God is your partner, your lover, your family members, your friends - the entire Universe. God is the plants, minerals, four directions, all that is seen and unseen.

I have been reminded today about God via affirmations from family and friends with whom I daily communicate. The messages I seek are presented to me daily. Snow flakes today and starfish and sand dollars in the summer on the Gulf of Mexico. God is you. God is me. We are all creator Gods/Goddesses. Rember your divinity. It exists in you and me rather than outside of our souls in man-made institutions.

In Love and Light, Namaste.

Hello, my peeps!

I am grateful today for the many friends and family in my sphere of existence. I love each one of them in very different ways. Some I have never met in person. It's amazing the connections we make in life.

For many years negativity has permeated my life. I manifest positivity now out of the gratitude I have for everything in my life, including all the challenges. Music helps me manifest. Meditation helps me manifest. Art helps me manifest. Gardening helps me manifest. In each of the activities I have mentioned I have immersed myself to the point of almost astral traveling. It's as if I am out of my body and nothing and no body else matters in my existence except God.

I won't cry for yesterday and I will not worry about tomorrow. Today is the day I have to live life to the fullest. My situation is temporary anywhere I am and I am moving forward to the goals I desire in my life. I need only remember that my soul looms large and that I offer a lot to our world simply by being my authentic self.

Of all the accomplishments in my life to date, the two most prominent are my Bachelor of Science degree and my Master of Arts degree. As an only child of one parent who graduated from high school and one who was pulled out of school in the 9th grade (not by their choice), I am proud of both of these accomplishments. My mother actually told me she was proud of me. I had never heard my mom tell me that she was proud of me.

My mother also made a comment about another gift I have after a recent hair salon visit. She said, "You can talk to anybody. If that would have been me in that chair I would not have said anything." You see, my father modeled to me the art of "gab." I possess the gift of being able to talk to anyone about pretty much anything. Some authority figures intimidate me, yet I am able to move past my feelings and converse intelligently with them.

These gifts of intelligence, compassion, speaking, artistic ability, and gardening are only few of the many people, places, or objects for which I am grateful. When I first sat down to write a gratitude inventory of 100 people, places, or objects for which I am grateful the task seemed daunting. I just completed another Gratitude Inventory and I can surpass 100.

So many aspects of living we take for granted. We know we need to possess or develop a deeper cognizance of all that is magnificent in our cosmos. Yet we fail to look to our own microcosm to see what we are graced with each and every day. Even in our deepest, darkest hours we need only look around our self and find one item for which our life simply would not be complete: earth, air, fire, water, trees, grass, soil, worms, birds, animals, whatever.

So practice gratitude and experience the abundance already present in your life. Thank your Higher Power in whatever form you embrace or not for all the gifts you have already received in your life and thank this power for the gifts that are yet to come.

I give you gifts of serenity, smiles, and laughter today. Namaste!

Hello, my peeps!

I hope you are well! I present to you a smile. Please pass one on to the next person you see. It's free, takes very little energy, and just may save that person's life.

I am smiling more these days. I am finding that it decreases my anxiety quite a bit. It helps me maintain my new positive attitude. Yes, the neggies (negative thought monsters) still attempt to sneak up and usurp my serenity. They can only accomplish their mission if I grant them access to complete their mission. I AM the captain of My ship and there is no place here any more for the neggies! Sound familiar?

I journalled yesterday about my recognition of the ubiquitous neggies in my writing up til now. I always say or write that I am improving, that I am better. That is my perpetual quest. As if the Me I AM now, here in the present, is not enough. I AM enough. You ARE enough. We ARE beautiful, intelligent, talented, loving, loved, abundant. We ARE capable of thinking for ourselves. Affirm your Self, your Soul!

I thought back to the unmedicated days of deepest blackest depression. My sixteenth year marked my first depressive episode. My writing and my art were dark and moody, inducing my English teacher and my art teacher to inquire if everything was allright. I denied anything was wrong and was quite reactive with my art teacher. I simply wanted to be in another world and figured if I stood resolutely on the railroad tracks that I would arrive in this "grass is greener" world.

Years later my depression was diagnosed as bipolar disorder. My bipolar disorder is primarily hereditary, perhaps some influenced by external influences as well, due to poverty conciousness dogging my heels from childhood. I wrote a lot of dark and volatile words in the past because I so desperately desired to eliminate the abyss, the God-sized hole of cold emptiness I felt.

I write light-filled words now that hopefully inspire. Primarily I write because I simply enjoy writing. It exists as one of my primary artistic media. I am managing my bipolar disorder very well these days with appropriate medication and counseling. I speak of my bipolar disorder because I want to help others comprehend the dis-ease better. I feel that I can share my experiences with others who may not want to discuss their mental well-being issues or who know a family member or friend who has bipolar disorder and don't know what to do. I have also found other individuals are relieved to finally talk with someone who is open about their mental well-being issues.

So, these days I am abundant and I manifest all that is necessary for me to reach my goals. We each have more tools for living an abundant life than we believe we do. We need but research and get outside our comfort zone, recognizing that we must reach out for help. Life the fullest life possible and ride the bumps out. They too shall pass as quickly as the trees going by as you look out the window of a car. Patience and I are getting acquainted again. It's a tenous relationship.

Live abundantly and remember....SMILE!

Hello, peeps!

Hoping that this fabulous winter January finds you all joy filled and feeling inspired. Life on Life's terms often involves curve balls aimed at our heads at high speeds. The goal is to let the air be knocked out of your stomache and then recalibrate your feelings. As we know, feelings aren't facts. Sometimes the curveballs leave you wondering, what reason lies behind the curveball having been thrown.

We often don't realize that the curveball is meant to force us to see the reality of a situation. Sometimes, if you're like me, we just don't want to listen. Listen. Become aware of the facts. Accept what you can, or are willing to do, within your scope of comprehension and needs. Then, as unnerving as it might seem, take action.

Awareness, acceptance, and action seem like simple concepts. Sometimes they are. Sometimes not. In the case of deciding to return to college, the decision can go either way. You possess an awareness and acceptance of the inherent difficulties, yet you act anyway and pursue the degree. Moving to a new city because the city you live in currently successfully lets you know no real opportunities for expanding your horizons is a different situation. The awareness that you need to relocate and the acceptance of the facts involve action you may not want to take. The action of moving to a new and unknown city or country may seem daunting. In some cases it is.

Listen to your heart and review your options. Sometimes plunging into an unknown situation has benefits you'd never have imagined. Sometimes it could be the worst decision you have ever made. Until you complete the action, you will never possess the awareness of the outcome. Whatever you decide lessons abound. Follow your heart...your mind and body will follow.

Love and Light. Namaste.

ARGH! I just watched a news report about a man walking his dog who found a pit bull in a ditch, wrapped in blankets frozen to the ground and shaking. She was hogtied with electrical tape and her mouth was tightly bound with electrical tape as well. The...I cannot type the expletives that thrust themselves foremost in my mind...person...BEAT her with a blunt object as well. Insert expletives...multiple times here, please and thank you!

The beautiful pitbull, brindle, I believe she is, is named Tatiana - for Tatiana Ali...because "She is a fighter." If I could have a dog, I soooo would go get her.

I believe that a special reservation in Hell exists for those souls who abuse animals. I also remember that they are tortured souls and desperately need Light and Love in their lives as well as...foregiveness.

Foregiveness means that we pardon the soul for its wrongdoings. We remember the acts and we must foregive. Not enough foregiveness exists in this realm. Oh, sure! We KNOW all about foregiveness and hear it in religious dogma. Ask yourself now...who have I foregiven lately?

I have committed acts of wrongdoing as I am sure many souls have in the learning process of experiencing the human project. I have experienced foregiveness in many forms. I am blessed. Hopefully you are blessed to have experienced foregivness, too.

I suppose this goes back to thinking before we speak our piece or acting out of vengeance or ego when our inner child does not get what it thinks it wants from another person or situation. Ego, ego, ego...let go of the negative aspects of your ego and replace them with positive aspects. I am working diligently on this aspect of my soul. Let go and Let God because Life is on Life's terms.

Love and Light to you! Namaste.